My first post in two years, which is a long time. A lot of things happened but crucially I found myself in a very uncreative place and let things slip away for awhile. I think that is okay though, here is what I wrote in an instagram post in May 2019 that explains how I felt.
‘Over the past 2-3 years every time I put brush to paper, I feel immense pressure. I’m about to turn 30, which I suppose is the age when I was 20 I thought I would everything in my life sorted out. When I was 20 I thought that by the time I was 30 I would be a successful artist. I have a natural talent for art and I always have, it’s always been the thing that sets me apart, I’m the one who’s good at drawing. It seemed natural it would become my career. As a child and a teenager all I did was draw and paint, it was my special place. I went to University to study illustration. Overall I’m so glad I went to University it has helped me in my adult life immensely though not in ways I planned or expected. It’s been 7 years since I graduated and as I sit at my painting desk today I wonder why I haven’t got there yet. Surely it would of happened by now if I really wanted it to? In truth, I’m not driven enough to become a truly successful illustrator. The problem is when you have a natural talent that there is always the pressure to ‘make something of it’ otherwise it’s a waste, isn’t it? But honestly that pressure has made me not want to create and even hate painting sometimes. That is the true waste, the pressure has made me not want to do what I used to love most. Turning 30 has made me evaluate my creativity and make me realise I always did my art for myself, never for anyone else. If people like it, that’s good but that’s not why I did it. I did it because it made me happy. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people can turn what makes them happy into something profitable, but that’s not me – at least not right now. For now just being able to sit down at my desk and do a little doodle or paint an intricate tree without feeling the overwhelming pressure and instead feeling the peace and contentment I used to feel as a child is enough for me.’
I’ve worked through these feelings and feeling pretty posititve in general these days. Hopefully I can continue to create more often and keep this drive as long as possible!